Fault and Blame

"Sam, you were drugged and raped. You were not at fault, not even a little."
"You're wrong," she said as tears spilled from her cheeks. "He told me the whole time it was happening that it was my fault. I should have fought harder and screamed louder. I wore a short dress. I left my drink unattended. I did everything wrong."

This excerpt breaks my heart every time I read it. At the time I wrote it, I thought I understood. God knows I've done my share of blaming myself for things that weren't my fault.  What disheartens me is the sheer volume of people (male and female) I see on the message boards and Facebook groups for survivors of trauma who feel this exact same way.

These survivors become victims of their own minds and often, as a result of something that wasn't their fault, their lives spiral out of control. They lose their sense of security and sometimes their jobs. They lose their families and friends in some instances. They lose all semblance of order in their lives simply because not only are they blaming themselves, society is blaming them as well.

When I see these posts, I try to convince the survivors of trauma that they're wrong. I try to be there for them. I tell them how special they are and that they were made to fill a purpose and that that are wonderful people and nothing will change them. Then I get angry. After being victimized, there should be nothing but an outpouring of love for someone who has gone through a trauma like rape. The bottom line is, something needs to change.

Society as a whole tends to blame the victims of rape and it's disgusting. If you blame the rape victim because her clothes were provocative, using that same logic, you must also blame the bank that was robbed because its contents were provocative.

As simple as it sounds, women do not get raped because they were drinking or dressed provocatively. Women (and men) get raped because someone raped them. There is a place for being proactive and being aware of surroundings. However, we need to flip the script. Instead of teaching our college and high school students how not to get raped, the focus needs to be changed on not raping and the definition of consent. There are two ways to stop and help prevent rape. 1. Don't rape people 2. Don't make excuses for rapists.

I challenge anyone that has ever made a generalization about a survivor of rape or domestic violence to imagine for a moment that you were in the shoes of that person. Imagine what it must feel like to be completely violated and have your support system crumble around you. Think of how helpless the survivor must feel to be blamed and treated like they're lying or at fault. I pray that you never have to experience something like this, but compassion is key. Treat people with love. Hurt people hurt people. They hurt themselves and others. The judgment and blaming of rape survivors needs to end. 

He reached for her hand and she let him slip the ring back on her finger. Tears welled up in her eyes again as he hugged her, but they were tears of relief. He hadn't run away. He didn't hate her. He didn't think she was wrong. Even if she blamed herself, he didn't blame her. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.
"Thanks...for being a friend," said Samantha.
"I'll always be your friend," Charlie replied. "No matter what."


I hope and pray that every rape or domestic violence survivor has someone like Charlie Cartwright in their corner. They deserve someone who will listen and be kind and understanding, regardless of what has happened. I pray today that every survivor will find the support system that he or she needs.
We all deserve to love and be loved. A survivor of this type of violence deserves and needs an undeniable and incredible amount of love and support. We have a moral obligation to take care of others who are suffering. You never know when your words of kindness or your simple act of love will have an undeniable or life-changing effect on someone else. It's those simple acts that can mean the difference between life and death. Do something positive with your days. Listen to someone when they tell you something. Believe them fully, even if it's hard or if you're initially skeptical. Give people the love and understanding you would want if you were faced with the same situation. That's true kindness and compassion.


Should you be interested in checking out No Man Sam, don't buy it...it will be on a free promotion from 4/30-5/2 on Amazon.com. The purpose of this blog post was not to promote the book. I just get infuriated when I see all of the rape and domestic violence blaming and shaming that goes on in our culture. Love is so important and should be the focus of all that we do :) Thank you for reading!

Hunting Rainbows

Within the past few weeks, there have been several battles going on around me. I am learning that I can't control any of them, but that hasn't stopped me from wishing I could. At times, I want to shake certain people and ask them if they're serious. I want to tell them to think for themselves and to stop letting others dictate what happens. I want to make them feel better, make them happy, make others stop taking advantage of them. Then I remember that I can't make anyone do anything.

I have been struggling through a situation that I believe is wrong. Someone I love dearly has made a life choice that I believe was influenced by others who have ulterior motives. I have watched this person suffer and make choices that I know she would not have made, had it not been for the influencers. I pray this person is acting on her own accord, and that her best wishes are truly at heart for the influencers, but I also know the track record of said influences and believe that is not the case. It frustrates me to no end that there is nothing I can do change things. Fighting with the influences will not suffice or make any change. As hard as it is not to fight for someone I love, there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to let go.

I have a choice. I can stand by and watch it unfold before me, being as I have no control, or I can remove myself entirely from the situation. I have to remember God is in control, because I have none and never had any to begin with. However, what I allow into my life is what will continue. Therefore, those people can take a break from my life and my thoughts.

It seems like people perpetuate their own storms and then get mad when it rains. Once it rains (perpetuated or not), we all go hunting for rainbows. When the storms of life get the best of us, we go in search of something better, something to make us happy, something bright, maybe with a pot of gold at the end.

I wish life worked that way. I wish every time there was a storm, everyone would have their own rainbow to look forward to. Not to say it never happens, but we can't expect a rainbow every time. We're given our situations and our gifts and struggles for a reason. But we make choices every day about what we choose to do with all of our struggles as well as our gifts.

There's no sense in hunting for rainbows in places where you can't stop the rain from falling. I guess it's up to all of us to find our own rainbows and choose our own paths. I can only hope to encourage you to enjoy the gifts of friends and families every day because you never know when they will be ripped from your life by death or other circumstances beyond your control. Hold those moments and revel in them. Trust that God knows what he's doing, and focus on what you can control. :)